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Category: comedy

French Toast Tots

Posted on by Thadd Presley

Open Letter to the industrial leaders of the world,

Dear Mr. Musk; Mr. Bezos; and Mr. Branson,

Please consider the following advancement to our civilization before continuing your heroic endeavors into space and points beyond Earth. The fast food industries needs you now and the people will forever be changed and grateful.

The establishment through which you chose to distribute this culinary delight is not as important as the availability it must have. Strictly speaking, it must be available to everyone all the time, especially during future pandemics.

I would humbly suggest McDonalds, Sonic, or Hardees be highly considered as a point of sale. However, you your own judgment, for it is imperative you act quickly and protect our incredibly valuable product.

There will be many fly-by-night operations which we shall not name (including IHOP, Huddle House, Waffle House, and definitely not excluding Starbucks, Panera Bread, Subway, and Duncan Donuts). These places will move heaven and Earth in an attempt to maneuver their way into this very lucrative space. Of this information, I am sure you are aware, due to your expertise in business, finance, and social customs.

I shall leave the design and exact dimensions up to you and your team of engineers. My confidence in your abilities to find and delegate experts to this project is overflowing. I have no doubt, either one of you or all of you will look back on this letter and this product as a watershed moment in your life, indeed the life of our civilization. I’m sure, as you also must be, that we can’t venture any farther into space without securing a ready and steady outlet for this product.

The Product is Trademarked as: French Toast Tots; other patents will include the “product” filled with Cream Cheese and Boston Cream

The Slogan shall be: Chicken Sandwiches might have started the Food Wars, but French Toast Tots finished it.

Thank you all for your time and attention,

Inventor. writer, musician,

Thadd Presley

Oddly Pronounced

Posted on by Thadd Presley

A beautiful woman stops abruptly in her tracks. Her eyes locked on a man in the crowd. Taken both by surprise and intrigue, she found something different about him. Suddenly, the man was coming toward her, smiling. She realized, too late, that she had been staring at him. And the reason was he had a very weird nose.

He was suddenly only inches from her. His smile seemed off center because of the nose hanging over it. Without realizing what she was doing she took a step back. It could have been perceived as an offensive gesture on her part, but she didn’t know him and reflexes acted on their own. He was a bit too close.

He noticed that he was in her space and spoke first. “Excuse me, ma’am. I didn’t mean to…er… intrude.” He took a step back following her action.

She smiled. “No, no. It’s I who should apologize. It was rude of me to stare. But…” She waiting, hoping he would say it for her.

When he didn’t, she couldn’t find the words to finish. Was he going to force her to explain herself. “You see, I…” She tried to look him in the eyes, but the nose kept stealing the spotlight. “It’s just that.. Well, you see, I couldn’t help but notice that you have an oddly pronounced nose.”

He wasn’t surprised by her blunt statement. He knew right away that she wasn’t shy. She spoke to him as if she had known him for years. To him, it already seemed they were friends. He was struck by her. She was beautiful in many ways, so he admired her features closely. Her eyes burned into his soul. It took a moment for him to reply. He knew her curiosity would only be sated by first-hand knowledge that only he could grant her.

He stepped closer, taking back the ground he had given up a second earlier. He let his face fall a bit and made his voice softer, as if she has learned a secret that he couldn’t allow out into the world. “Look, I don’t know how you knew. But, you’re absolutely right. All my life, my nose… Well, I pronounce it, SCHNOZ.”

Pythagoras Would Kill For This

Posted on by Thadd Presley

An Original Portlandia Skit Idea

The citizens of Portland have a rare and enviable opportunity to create a completely new shape and perhaps pave the way to creating new sciences in mathematics and social engineering.

The process would begin with the creation of a new shape and end with a naming celebration. While backed by leaders from multiple fields of science, the committee of citizen-scientists would consist entirely of volunteers from Portland and surrounding tent cities.

Monetary support would be both publicly and privately sourced and combined with governmental and scholastic grants, bringing to fruition the dream of every child everywhere, all the time.

The project will create and name a new shape.

The shape will be weird and alternative, most likely resembling something from the nineties. It’s actual purpose will be undefined and it’s tolerance of other shapes will be notably high. Non-offensive angles and un-defendable edges will be the on all sides.

This new shape, will become known to the world as the Oregon, and while it’ll be called remarkable, it’s true function will negligible to non-existent.