Fear, Imagination, And No-One Really Knows You’re Alive

“Fear, Imagination, And The Fact That No-One Really Knows You’re Alive”

To push through the distractions of life and ignore the modern concerns, to willingly focus our attention on being ourselves, to offend people, to be offended, to learn things about ourselves we don’t want to know, to be put in our place, to have friends, to lose friends, to be part of something, to be alone, to walk into places that are too loud and too crowded, and to interact with people when we don’t want to, to learn a truth we might never understand, is the reason we are alive.

Feelings and emotions are the biggest part of our lives for a reason and they mean something. They mean we’re alive. Emotions are powerful and crippling and long-lasting, and wonderful. Learn to understand them and we learn to understand ourselves. We shouldn’t stop living just because it’s uncomfortable sometimes. Live more now, learn more now, be more now because you are alive now. Someday you will be dead and that’s going to be one more thing that we’re not gonna wanna do, so we have to act while we’re alive and do things that push us further than we’ve gone before, learn new things, go to new places, see new people, be a real living person for the little time we have left.

Safe places might as well be coffins. They separate us from the real emotions we feel just as real life begins to happen. Pain, suffering, sorrow, sadness, nervousness, confrontation, irritability, anger: things can not be avoided all the time, so we must learn and adapt to them and eventually we will gain more and more control until we overcome them. And we will learn to control them, if we want to be a better person. Dodge them, hide from them, go to the safe place and the emotions then control us.

Am I saying we’re a bad people if anxiety stops us from enjoying life? No. But we’ll enjoy more of our life and be more of the person we’d like to be if we allow ourselves out into the world and feel the uncomfortable reality of life.

Life is not all about being in a good place all the time. It’s also about the scary places just as much and the fears that come with those places. Yes, we realize anxiety is scary and it’s a real emotional response to a real world situation. It’s truly happening to us and we are right to feel the way we do. But, it doesn’t last forever. When it comes, it’s like a wave. Ride it out.

There is nothing fake or easy about it. There is no way to just get over it when it comes. Our anxieties and our fears can be controlled and we should practice controlling them every chance we get because we should want to overcome our fears.

Again, I’m not saying our emotions aren’t real, I’m saying they are not justified by reality. Just like the monster in our childhood closet. Were we scared? Sure. But was there a real reason to be? No. It was all in our mind.

Just like the dark, once we spent enough time in it, grew up in it, we learned there was no reason to be afraid. The same will happen with crowds, noises, places, and all the other things that make us feel anxiety and fear. It comes from the unfamiliarity of the situation. Just like sleeping alone in the dark causes all types of fear at first and we imagine all manner of things in the closet, under the bed, and lurking in the dark. It’s only our imagination working overtime.

The same things happen with crowds of people and new places. We imagine the people are thinking of us and talking about us. We imagine they are laughing at us, looking at us, pointing at us. We just know they remember every little thing we do and that we’re always on their minds. They just can’t wait until they get a chance to laugh at us again.

But, none of that is true. No one is thinking bad things about us. No one is laughing at us or pointing out our mistakes. No one is talking about that time we dropped our fork in the cafeteria. In fact, practically no one even knows we’re alive. And that’s the thing we should be afraid of, really. Going our entire lives and being afraid of our imagination and too scared to go to the store, so when we die no one even knew we were alive.

 

Poetry: MESSIAH

 

M.E.S.S.I.A.H.

by Thadd Presley

Miracles mirror the Maker’s material
Even established events of entertainment are ethereal
So that such a show of Self, so shamelessly spiritual,
Should somehow shatter the signal of the subliminal
Image of the Immaculate Individual
And allow an Appreciation of anything abysmal
However Hellbound the Heretic’s Hypocritical Hymnal

Reverse Image (part 3)

Reverse Image
part 3
by Thadd Presley

What Delilah saw at that moment frightened her. The top half of her mother’s face changed. First, her pupils dilated, but not together. Each one on its own grew to the maximum size and then shrunk back down again. Her nose flared much like a horse’s would in the spring. Delilah stood and stepped away from the table. Her mother had become someone else.

She didn’t know why this was happening, but she thought it might be a stroke. Her mother was still young. Thirty-eight was young for anyone to die.

Clare saw a color of red that she never knew existed. It filled her vision and then doubled over on itself. She saw the walls of her world deepen and drown in the color. It was the color of murder, of hatred and sex and violence. God didn’t create this color to be seen and talked about. I was the last color anyone was ever to see. She knew deep in her heart that she was dying and it was a good thing.

“Mom. God.” Delilah screamed and ran to the breakfast counter where her cell phone laid. “911,” she screamed. “911.”
A woman had answered the emergency line before Clare knew what to say. “What’s your emergency?”

“My mom. My..she’s having a heart attack.”

“OK. Calm down. What’s your address.”

Delilah took a deep breath and answered all the questions.

Finally, there were sirens in the air.

The siren grew louder and closer. Too close for them to be for anyone but herself.

Clare opened her eyes. Red still covered everything and she still certain she would die. No one saw that and lived, she kept telling herself. No one could see that and live.

“Mom. Mom.”

The voice of her daughter was there in the red somewhere and that was somehow the worst part of it all. Why did she have to be involved?

The sirens stopped and doors slammed. The red was growing. It was outside now. Even the sky would be covered in red.
“Ma’am? Can you hear me?”

No, Clare thought. If I hear you then the red will get you.

“Look at her eyes, Cap. What do you think happened?”

“Looks to be a serious case of subconjunctival hemorrhage.”

Delilah screamed. The next thing she saw was the kitchen floor.

“She’s coming around, Cap. You alright sweetheart?”

“My mom. She had a hemorrhage. Her brain.”

The paramedic sat down beside her and smiled. “Let’s sit up.” He helped her. “There now. Your mom is fine. It was scary for her and for you, but that’s all. Nothing serious.”

“What happened?”

“Well, we don’t know why but she became extremely stressed and it busted a blood vessel in her eye. Both of them actually. She’s going to the hospital.”

“She’s OK?”

“Yes. Very OK.”

“I want to go with her.”

“That’s fine. You want to go ahead and stand up?”

Together, they managed to walk to the ambulance.

A moment of panic shot through Delilah’s chest when she saw her mother’s eyes. They were both filled with blood. Her mother looked like a zombie. Quickly, she snapped a picture and smiled.

“I got your good side that time.”

“You’re not funny. I don’t know how you can laugh at me. After what you’ve done. Being pregnant is hard enough on a family, but…”

“Pregnant? Mom!” For a moment, Delilah didn’t think she heard her right. “Mom, I’m not pregnant. Who told you that?”
“Don’t lie to me. You already…”

“I’m not pregnant. You must have hit your head or something when you fell.” She looked at the paramedic who wishing he was invisible. “I’m not, I swear.”

Clare was visibly upset.

“We can settle this once we get to the hospital,” he told them. “There is a planned parenthood clinic there that offers free pregnancy tests. You can go from there. How’s that?”

“O.K.” Delilah quickly assented.

Clare didn’t say anything but nodded her head.

“Let’s get this rig on the road, Cap!”

Slowly, the ambulance made it’s way onto the street and ten minutes later they pulled in at Methodist Medical Center.
An hour later, mother and daughter sat together in the E.R. A negative pregnancy test sat in a paper cup, wrapped in a paper towel.

“But, I don’t understand why you thought I was pregnant in the first place?”

“You said you found out something this morning and I thought you meant…”

“Mom, jeez. I learned something from Youtube that’s all. Really, I should have realized it a long time ago.” She smiled. Her mother’s blood red eyes looked back at her. “Oh, I’m sorry. I love you, mom. Thank you for worrying about me.”

“Well, child, that my job. It’s not this hard most of the time. What can I say? You’re a good kid.”

Ryan was escorted into the room by a nurse who was telling him that everything was going to be fine. “Clare is in no danger,” she said. “She just had a scare and fainted.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s been one heck of a morning for all of us.”

Reverse Image (part 2)

Reverse Image

part 2

by Thadd Presley

 

When Lucas entered the room, the quiet atmosphere stopped him in his tracks before he could say anything. There was a furrow on his dad’s brow he’d not seen before and his mother’s face spelled out volumes of unspoken emotion. He hoped they weren’t talking about his spring semester grades. He brought them up at the end.

Dad spoke up first. “Would you mind explaining exactly what you’re talking about? Your mother and I don’t have all morning to play guessing games. This afternoon we can hash out all the details and decide what we will do.”

“Ryan Butress.” Mother sounded extra-weird to Lucas and for the first time that morning he and his sister looked each other in the eyes. “I’ll not hear more of that. I have all the time she needs and so do you. She will tell us what she wants, when she wants. And we will not decide what she does, she decides what she does. Understand?” When her husband didn’t answer right away, Clare started crying.

Delilah stood in the gaze of three stone serious faces and she didn’t know what to say. Lucas broke the silence before it became hysteria.

“What is going on?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s because I’m not wearing makeup.”

Dad looked up from his bowl of cereal. “Sweetie, I’m not mad and neither is your mother. We just want you to be alright.”

“Well, I’m fine,” Delilah answered. “I just want to think about how I’m going to tell you what I found out. It’s been staring me in the face for so long and for me to just realize it. I mean, it’s stupid that I didn’t see it before. Why didn’t one of you tell me? Did you not know?”

“How could we know?” Her mother asked. “I don’t sleep in your bed, I don’t go out with you when you stay over at Angela’s house.”

“Is that what happened?” Her dad asked.

“That’s not important.” Her mother answered. “What’s important is what happens now.”

“O.K. Fine.” He stood from the table. His left hand shook and that was a bad sign. It meant he was really pissed. Delilah didn’t understand why her mom was so angry. “I’m going to work before I get in over my head and say something I’ll regret. I love you all and I’ll be home by four if anyone wants to fill me in then.”

As soon as the Mercedes backed out of the driveway, Lucas took this chance to jump ship. “I’m going to the gym and then job hunting. Bye.”

His mother crossed the kitchen and hugged him. Then, she turned and took an apple from the basket. “Eat this on your way. You’ll need energy to workout.”

“Thanks, mom.”

After the kitchen cleared of the menfolk, the women of the house stood quietly. They stood at the sink and watched Lucas jog down the sidewalk until he was out of view, then they looked at each other.

“Why are you looking at me that way, mom? God, why is everyone is so weird this morning.”

“I’m just worried about you. We are worried. Your dad and I.”

“Mom. It’s not a big deal. Here, listen. I’ll try to explain.”

“No. I want you to listen. That’s all I want you to do right now.” She pointed to the kitchen table. “Sit down so we can talk.”

“Mom!!”

“Don’t you yell at me.” She said it quietly, but it was a command that Delilah knew to obey. She sat and waited for her mother to speak. “Now I only have one question and I want the truth. Who’s the father?”

“What?”

“Just answer the question. Who’s the…”

“I don’t know. Dad, I guess. Who else?”

The words her daughter spoke didn’t make sense to her. They had meant something, but they quickly turned into something else before they reached her ears. Something like red worms burrowing through the dirt. Worms that ate the all the bad words once they left the mouth and spoiled in the open air.

Reverse Image

Delilah looked at her face reflecting in the bathroom mirror. She had just learned on Youtube that the image she saw reflecting back at her was not the same as it appeared to people on the street. The reflection was a mirror image. Exactly opposite of what everyone else saw.

She wished she could see what other saw, how she looked from the vantage point of others. How had she gone so long applying make-up backward to her face, primping and teasing her hair backward, smiling approvingly at a look that was completely opposite of what she had always thought it was?

There’s no wonder why she never turned any heads throughout middle school and during freshman year. But, now things were going to be different. Delilah was certain to see what everyone else was seeing.

“Dee, hurry.”

It was her older brother, Lucas, standing outside the bathroom door, probably doing the pee dance.

“Dee, please.”

“Go downstairs. Use dad’s.”

“He’s asleep. He’ll go ballistic if …”

The bathroom door flew open. “Fine. Whatever. Just stop talking to me.”

Lucas stared in disbelief. “What have you been doing all this time? I’ve been waiting patiently, gritting my teeth, because I know …”

“You don’t know anything, Luke. Just like always.”

He pushed past her and closed the door, not sure what he said wrong; without time to think, he could figure it out later if she was in a better mood.

Downstairs, Delilah’s mother, who everyone in the world called Clare, greeted her daughter with all smiles. “You’re gorgeous, do you know that?”

“Mom.” She glanced at Ryan, her dad. “Morning, dad.”

“You’re mom’s right, you know?”

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m not wearing makeup.”

“And I think that’s a good thing because makeup should be saved for special occasions.” Clare continued while buttering toast. “It shouldn’t be for everyday use. It’s really not good for your face over years and years of use.”

“Yep. Clogs your pores.”

“Well, that’s not why I’m not wearing it. It’s more complicated than that. I just found out something huge. It changes everything. Last night actually.”

“Like what?” Mom questioned.

“I don‘t know. Well, I don‘t know. I’m not really sure how to tell you. It’s hard to explain.”

“Whatever it is we we’ll understand.”

“Well, I should have realized it before because we were talking about it before school was out. At least last month ago or two at the most. I should have known.”

This brought the attention of both parents.

Continue on Part 2

Thadd Presley parody of “Bad Company”

A bit egotistical (ego testicle) of me to write a parody with my name in it, but I have to get these things out of my head so I can move forward into new territory.

This little ditty is Bad Company from the band Bad Company. I know Five Finger Death Punch recorded a cover version, but I’m going Old School because I am OS.

 

 

Short stories, always being spun
Best of me, oh is never done
I was born, notebook in my hand
Behind a pen I make my final stand

That’s why they call me
Thadd Presley I came to write
Thadd Presley til the day I day

Novel Goals, deserve all that I’ve caused
Closed the book and threw away the sun
Now these lines, they all bear my name
What I write is my claim to fame

I can here them say
Thadd Presley and I won’t deny
Thadd Thadd Presley until the day I die

Hey, hey

Thadd Presley, I came to write
Thadd PResley til the day I die

Tell me you don’t know how to read
But I’m Thadd Presley
It’s the way I play my words are dirty
Oh some have come across me

Have a Cigar (parody)

I’m sure you know how parodies work. Read the lyrics to the music video. I love Pink Floyd and listen to their music all the time, which is probably why I hear their songs in my head. So, here it be: the parody



Duck in here, dear boy, was that a star?
Was it a cop car? That just passed by
You’ll probably wanna hide
You better not run or fight
They’d love to shoot you
Well I’ve always had a deep respect
And I mean that most sincere
The Blacks are just fantastic
That is really what I think
Oh By the way, my skin’s Pink
And they claim all blacks are the same, boy
We call profiling a race a shame
We just got out
We heard about the shoot out
You gotta get the word out
You owe it to your people
They’ve kill so many we can hardly count
If everyone was just green
They couldn’t tell us apart
It’d be a helluva start
We wouldn’t be such monsters
If we all acted like a human being
And they claim all the blacks are the same, boy
We call profiling a race a shame

Flying Crabs

Flying Crabs

by Thadd Presley

When my mother took her children to the beach
we had the most fun while flying kites high out of reach.
So high and fast they’d fly, soaring above the water
that when  they came down, it was really no bother

For my oldest brother would put them back in the air again.
It was he who discovered the night-time sandy friends.
At dusk the little crabs would come out  in droves.
We caught a bucket full  and took them home

My mother let us keep some because they were small
but did she know what we were planning? no not at all.
The morning came and we took straight to our kites,
latched onto the string, and then put them in flight

The kite hoisted them high into the sky and with stalky eyes
they viewed the world , as the only crabs to ever fly.
Finally they would gather the courage and drop back to the sea
When my mother caught, she broke our kites, and grounded us for two weeks

Sam I Am (to the tune of “Rock you like a Hurricane”)

Sam I Am
(to the tune of:  “Rock You Like A Hurricane” by The Scorpions)

(press play and sing along with the original)

 

I am Daniel – He said to Sam
I am Sam , yeah Sam I Am
Do you like Green eggs and Ham
I do not like that Sam I am

Would you like them here or there
I would not like them here or there
I would not like them any where
I do not like them Sam I am

Sam I am
I don’t like green eggs and ham
Sam I am
I don’t like green eggs and ham

Would you like them in a house
Would you like them with a mouse
I do not like them in a house
I do not like them with a mouse

Would you eat them in a box
Would you eat them with a fox
Would you, could you in a car
Eat them, eat them, here they are

Sam I am
I don’t like green eggs and ham (Are you ready, baby?)
Sam I am
I don’t like green eggs and ham
Sam I am
I don’t like green eggs and ham (Come on, come on, come on, come on)
Sam I am
I don’t like green eggs and ham

I don’t like green eggs and ham

You may like them you will see
You may like them in a tree
You may like them in the rain
Would you try them on a train

You do not like them, so you say
Try them, try them, and you may
If I try them, will you let me be
I will try them, you will see

Sam I am
I do like green eggs and ham (Are you ready, baby?)
Sam I am
I do like green eggs and ham
Sam I am
I do like green eggs and ham (Come on, come on, come on, come on)
Sam I am
I do like green eggs and ham

Thank you
Sam I Am

Our Walk (fragment 4)

Our Walk
(fragment 4)
by Thadd Presley

As you may well have heard from your own vicar or sister, as you follow our journey together and learn of our battles, the lives of my companions and myself were given over to our Father God before we were born, whether we admit it or not, making our conception a matter of the Church with nothing to with a husband and wife’s love for one another. Our birth into the realm of Earth put a dual claim on us; God had a claim to our spirit while the Church had it’s claim on our body and we knew from an early age that our short lives would be given back to God quickly, for our paths were to bring before us the manifestation of an evil so fierce and powerful that we would surely die upon setting our eyes on it. Our hearts would fail us at just knowing such a blasphemy, since our hearts were the writing stone of God’s commandments long before our fleshy bodies had been taught the lies which would have led us into sin. We know not what lies ahead of us, only that we are to show no fear, nor even bat an eyelash in the presence of Hell’s most hideous creations. When we stand up face to face with the vilest of acts performed by cruelest of monsters, we know our bodies are nothing but dirt and our souls were never ours. The control we have learned to exercise over our body was just for these moment so we can someday fulfill God’s commandment. It is not our lives for which we should hold dear, because there exists a Salvation that none can rival. The evil which lies before us does not have the power to pluck us from the hands of God, only to deliver us into them. While Satan has tried in vain to plunge all of humanity into darkness, even since the beginning of time, and cause God’s children to falter and turn from their destiny, hasn’t the authority to undermine the truth of God’s promises, which is life eternal with God Almighty, who’s name is Worthy.