Still Alive

My dad told my mother that it was not the right time in his life; that everything was happening too fast and he wanted to wait a few more years. So, when she started crying, he knew he had her convinced. They went together.

The small office was in a house on South Laughter Street, right downtown next to the municipal swimming pool.

Outside, a few feet from the road, was a white sign with red and blue letters, sticking out of the lawn like a cheap campaign slogan. Written in Old English font, fading in the sun, the first line was written in red:

“Cash only!” —

The second in blue:

“Your privacy is our priority.”
S. Laughter Street Clinic.”

Mother cried when she read it.

Inside a man took them into a surgical theatre and asked my mother to relax and lay on the table.  My father didn’t want to stay in the room, but the doctor ordered him to stay with her and hold her hand.

“Murder is not easy, Mr. Frente.” He put on plastic gloves. “Your wife will need you to support her and take some of the blame once she realizes what she’s done. To stand at the morning mirror tomorrow, alone and before God, will not be like it was this morning. I hope you understand that.”

My mother started crying again.

“Why do you cry?” The doctor asked perplexed.

She said nothing, sobbing.

“Why is she crying?” He asked my father.

My father looked at my mother. “She doesn’t want to be a murderess.”

“Do you blame her?”

“No, but we can’t have a child now. We’re not ready. There’s too much at stake. My job, the money. There’s just to much to do before…”

The doctor nodded his head and went to his cabinet where he brought back a bible. Inside he had a page marked. “will you please read from the highlighted area before we begin?”

Pushing the bible away from him, he yelled. “What’s this?”

“Just read the last rights. At least you can do that much.”

“No. I will not. Now, you have the money. So, do your job, will you?”

“I’m afraid you don’t understand. sir. I’m not going to do it. I’m going to explain the instruments to you and you are going to do it. Anyone can do it once they are shown how.”

“What?” He couldn’t stand it anymore. “I paid you to do it. What do you think? I’m no doctor.”

“You don’t need a doctor. Doctors are for healing people. You need a clean room, clean instruments, and secret place to commit murder, which I have provided for you. You need me to stay quiet once you are finished killing this child and, since you have paid me very well to do so, I will. But I am not a murderer. No amount of money could persuade me to kill an innocent child.”

My mother was off the table and through the door before my father could reply. She did not return to the car, but instead called a taxi and only left the S. Laughter Street Clinic when it arrived.

She divorced my father and has never seen him again.

The first entry in my journal is this: my mother was convinced to have an abortion, but in the end it didn’t matter. I was still born.

Words We Don’t Know

Words We Don’t Know

Words come and go
But the soul knows
There’s much more we could say

Love comes and goes
But our heart knows
There will be better days

Friends come and go
But in the end
We know that real friends stay

Life can often be slow
But, where does time go
Once we learn how to play?

We sometimes sow
Words we don’t know
As our muse dances and sways

Standing toe to toe
With the thing holding our soul
We relive every mistake we made

Our work always grows
Most often we’re shown
That our best effort is only clay

Receiving your Desires (As Above, so Below)

As Above, So Below

and what it means to You

There is an inside and out, an up and down, a yin and yang.

“As above so below” means that the universe is just as you are: magnificent, rich, powerful, vast, and largely unknown until you spend time and effort uncovering the mysteries.

There is a magic to the Universal Laws. A recipe. It’s not complicated by any means. In fact, the emotional ingredients mix together into one concoction once their attributes are understood. It is easy to replicate it once you do it the first time.

Ingredients:

Gratitude/Thanksgiving:
Intention:
Expectation/Faith:

The goal is to mix all these together and cook it in the oven of your Subconscious Mind.

First: Know your desire. Can you see yourself with it, doing it, telling others about it?

I ask this because you have to know what you want inside and out, up and down, because knowing how it feels to have what you want is very important to receiving it and keeping it. If you can imagine yourself already living with your desire and express the emotions associated with receiving it, which is gratitude and thanksgiving, the universe will be forced into manifesting it into your life.

Why? Because “as above, so below.” As you believe, so it is. There is no alternative for the universe except to make what you truly believe a reality. This is the source of all the power within you.

Answer this question about “As Above, So Below” and consider where your life and all you have originates. Do you think below refers to you and above to the universe? Many people believe they are below the universe. But it’s wrong.

As above (as you) believe, so below (the universe) manifest into reality.

The fact that you believe you deserve your desire is vital to how and when you receive it. This is where Intention comes into play. We address our Intention to understand why we want our desires and what we plan do with them. This is only a mental process to affirmation that our desire is good and beneficial.

For some reason, our subconscious mind blocks selfish desires from manifesting into our lives. Not because the universe doesn’t want us to have what we want, but we don’t believe we deserve them.  Much time and energy is spent (wasted) on trying to convince ourselves we can have our desires.

Once you  truly convince yourself that you are worthy of the things you want, then you enter a waiting period of Gestation, which is largely controlled by your Expectation/Faith.

Finding and using techniques to unblock the mental barriers keeping you from your desires is where lives are truly changed forever.

The time spent waiting for your desire is drastically shortened once you can believe that you deserve it because only then can you see yourself having it. You must teach yourself how to be thankful for your desires even before they are fully manifested.

One place to begin is knowing that you can have anything you desire. There’s plenty of it in the world, no one will suffer if you get a new car, more money, or a prettier roof over your head? You are not robbing anyone or depriving them of it because you have it. There is plenty to go around.

The process of blending these ingredients together should bring them all into one action  that makes it easier for you to believe “you deserve and already have your desire.” Two of my favorite methods to use are:

Meditation: If you don’t know how to meditate, look it up.
Drawing a Sigil: If you don’t know what this means, look up how to draw a sigil.

This should be performed in a way to place the belief that you will receive your desire into your subconscious. I know it sounds time consuming, but it isn’t. A few minutes everyday will change our life.

I would try to explain meditation and how to draw a sigil, but others do it so well, I should leave it to them.

You will know when it’s time to stop creating sigils and meditating on a certain desire. I can’t explain it, but you will know.

 

Good luck. But, you won’t need it.